Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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