I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
