____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
