the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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