There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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