shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
