if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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