I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
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I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
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I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower