It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
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i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single