I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He passed out mid-signature
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.