you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial