Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
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He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.