So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
