If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
