he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
