This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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