your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
