What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
