My first STD was from a foam party
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
