It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
