I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
