I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
