I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
