I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
