No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
In America we eat man semen.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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