moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
