Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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