Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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