i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
