Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
