I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
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Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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