I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
