Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
