i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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