she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
