Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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