Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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