considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
