i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ladies don't puke and tell
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
