Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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