I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Randomize
