i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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