i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
