Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i love accidental penises.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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