he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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