My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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