Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
