Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Your penis caused this!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
