Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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