hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
