I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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