Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
