Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
there is puke in my bra ... again
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