She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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