You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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