And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
