Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
