So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
