If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
